Your Daily Dose of Laughs

A young Chinese girl going on her 1st date and her mother warned her...
"1st he kisses your cheek; then he'll kiss your breasts, you'll enjoy;
then he want to go on top. You must not allow it so as not to disgrace
our family name, ok"
Next day, girl told Mom, "Everything happened
exactly as you predicted. I didn't allow him to go on top so I went on
top and disgraced his family."




Wife: "Honey, what are you looking for?'
Husband: "Nothing.

Wife: "Nothing? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an
hour?
Husband:" I was looking for the expiry date!"






There was this patient who received a phone call from his doctor. The
doctor said, "I have some bad news and some worse news."
The
patient said, "let me have it."
The doctor said, "The bad news is
that I got your test results back and you have only 24 hours to live."
The man finally asked the doctor, "What's the worse news?"
The
doctor replied, "I forgot to call you yesterday"






Restroom Poetry

The following are poems found inscribed in
public restrooms: Here I lie in stinky vapor, Because some
bastard stole the paper, Shall I lie, or shall I linger, Or shall I be
forced to use my finger. Here I sit Broken hearted, Paid a dime
And only farted Here I sit What a caper I have to shit But I'm
out of paper You're lucky You had your chance I tried to fart,
And shat my pants! Some people come here to take a shit, I came
here to leave one. Some come here to sit and think, Some come
here to shit and stink, But I come here to scratch my balls, And read
the bullshit on the walls... Here I sit, I'm at a loss trying to
shit out taco sauce. When it comes, I hope and pray, that I don't blow
my ass away. (Written high up on the wall) If you can piss above
this line, the Hillsboro Fire Department wants you. (Seen above
a urinal) Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal. We don't
piss in your ashtrays! (Scratched into the paint of the
condom-dispensing machine) "Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
(Under a sign that said: "Employees Must Wash Hands") I waited and
waited, but I finally washed them myself.






The Very Happy Man

I was a very happy man. My wonderful
girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to
get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her
beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two,
wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would
regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a
nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me
to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I
arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for
me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I
was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come
up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car. Lo and behold,
my entire future family was
standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my
father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have
passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family.' And the moral of this story
is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.






This guy is having an affair with a married woman and her husband comes
home early from work one day. She jumps up and tells the man to go into
the bathroom to hide. Just as he gets in the bathroom and she hides his
clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in. He asks,
''What the hell are you doing?''
Thinking quickly, the wife says,
''Uhm...waiting for you.''
The suspicious husband looks at her in
disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.''
Again the woman says,
''Yeah... I was waiting for you.''
The husband relaxes and says,
''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!''
The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the
bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping
around and clapping.
The husband asks,'' What in the hell are you
doing?''
He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called
saying you guys had a problem with moths.''
The husband looks him
over and says,''But you're naked.''
The man looks down, jumps in
surprise and mutters, ''Them little bastards.''





A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his
graduate students. It had one question:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives
off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a
proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using
Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is
compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the
following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in
time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and
the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to
Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people
do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people
and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can
expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This
gives two possibilities. #1 If Hell is expanding at a slower
rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. #2
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by
Ms. Laura Turner during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night
in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I
still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2
cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic. The student got the
only A.




True Story From Michigan, USA.

A guy buys a brand new Grand
Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty
proud of this rig, and gets a hold of his friend to do some male
bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the
lakes are frozen. These two atomic brains go to the lake with their
guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They
drive out onto the ice. They want to make some kind of a natural landing
to attract ducks--something the decoys will float on. Remember it's all
ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of
ducks, a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a
little more than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the brand-new
Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second
fuse. To their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into
consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a
location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be
waiting, and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as
they ran from the imminent explosion, and could possibly go up in smoke
with the resulting blast. After a little deliberation, they come
up with lighting and THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up
doing. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the
vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. The driver's
pet black lab (used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the
owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed
on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second
fuse about the time it hits the ice--all to the woe of the two idiots
who are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the heck
to do now?! The dog is happy and now heads back toward the "hunters"
with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the
ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal
Labrador Retriever approaches. The Bozos now are REALLY waving their
arms, yelling even louder and generally feeling kinda panicked. Finally
one of the guys decides to think, something that neither had one before
this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This sounds better than
it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with duck shot and hardly
effective enough to stop a black lab. The dog DID stop for a moment,
slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot, and this time
the dog, still standing, became REALLY confused and of course scared.
TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely
short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dogs
finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand
dollars, the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on
the lake ice. BOOM!! Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and
these two "Co-Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing there
with this "I can't EVEN believe this happened to me" look on their
faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance
company and is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by
illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy. He had yet to
make his first car payment.





Bob is in the army. After 4 months of being in the army, his girlfriend
sent him a letter saying she'd slept with 2 guys since he'd left and
wanted to break-up and all the pictures he had of her sent back. So Bob
did what any other American would do. He went around to all his army
buddies and asked for pictures of girls they wouldn't mind giving up. He
then took all the pictures, some decent, some X-rated, and put them in a
big envelope to send to his girlfriend with a note saying "I don't
remember you. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."





Who Died the Worst Death?

Three men stand before St. Peter
awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed
that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions
standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the
three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died. First
man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on
me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to
see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I
heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere
for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been
there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found
the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started
jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I
ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he
fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the
asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from
the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But
then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the
bedroom and shot myself." St. Peter nodded slowly as the man
recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the
second aside. Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor
of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine,
when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about
two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear
life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto
what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my
hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally
stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer
and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but
it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator
falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones.
Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man. Third
man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's
going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to
the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong
one. --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of
my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they
used to be," she remorsefully replied. --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a "massive internal fart." --Dr. Susan Steinberg,
Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including
the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart
and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20
line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I
requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the
top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had
asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing
too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse
told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now
the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new
one. --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been
bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not
for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." --Dr. Steven
Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky
and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good,
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"
the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit, MI

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite
embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment
he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged
lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly
said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the
song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
--won't admit his name